This topic reminds me of a time when I said “No” to my toddler for her third snack and the response was a full blown tantrum on the kitchen floor. I crouched down and tried to calm her using my softest voice. At that moment it seemed like I handled it perfectly. However, later a silent question crept in; did I handled it carefully or I just let go of my firmness which can result in her not taking my words seriously next time. This article is all about setting the boundary between gentle parenting and permissive parenting.

If you feel similarly then congratulations you are on the right path of parenting. A pondering and willing to improve parent is always better. Nowadays, gentle parenting seems like the most appropriate choice for raising a child. At the same time, it is also the most misunderstood approach for parenting. We think that being soft and warm is all it takes for gentle parenting and often resort to saying yes to everything just to keep that softness. After sometime, we declare that gentle parenting does not work and goes back to traditional parenting styles.

In reality, many parents are opting for gentle parenting style because of its pros and suitability with modern times. However, in order for it to work we need to understand it and detangle its principles from permissive parenting. Going forward, lets first look into the reasons why gentle and permissive parenting styles are often get confused together.

What Is Gentle Parenting, Really?

Gentle parenting works on the four basic principles:

• Empathy: It focuses on a parent seeing the world from their child’s perspective.
• Respect: It focuses on speaking with a child the way we want to be spoken to.
• Understanding: It focuses on understanding their behavior as communication, not defiance.
• Boundaries: It focuses on keeping clear and consistent boundaries.

The first three principles are easy to follow and the problem arises when most of us neglect the fourth one. The most common misconception is that gentle parenting does not involve any rules. Whereas, it is a parenting style where rules are simply wrapped in kindness and understanding.

The goal was never to make a child happy always, but to make them feel safe even when they are upset. Gentle parenting aims towards teaching a child about learning how to handle their big emotions.

Gentle Parenting vs Permissive Parenting: The Real Difference

Take an example of a river, without a bank one would not call it a free river but a flood. Same goes for children, they need limitations and principles to flow forward safely.

In above example, think of water as empathy and banks as boundaries. Gentle parenting should have both of these qualities whereas permissive parenting does not involve the banks.

In the above chart, look at the first row and you will notice that both parenting styles starts similarly. The differences took place when limits and boundaries are in question. In gentle parent a child is allowed to be furious about limitations but it still stands.

Why It Feels Like Gentle Parenting Doesn’t Work

Let’s dive deeply into why many of us end up saying that gentle parenting doesn’t work? Following are some of the common practicing mistakes.

The “Yes” Spiral: the major reason behind this is our will to avoid conflicts. We say yes and then feel guilty about it, making ourselves resentful and finally snapping back at child. Later we feel more guilt about snapping, so we try to make the child feel better by saying yes again and the cycle goes on.

Pendulum Guilt: The most common reason behind the popularity of gentle parenting is that we all are running away from the strict parenting style of our childhood. We become too gentle in doing so and neglect boundaries. So it fails and then we panic about swinging too far and pull back. Thus, the pendulum keeps on swinging.

The calm-kid expectation: Parents expect that their soft tones should help in reducing the tantrums. But in reality a child can feel understood and still cry. Remember that their feelings are allowed and their behavior still has limits.

Plain exhaustion: An important point to note is that holding a boundary takes energy, and some days we are out of it. That is a human limit, not proof that gentle parenting has failed.

Signs Your Boundaries Have Gone Soft

If you are also questioning or confused about your boundaries, following are some signs you should keep in mind:

• Do you let your child behavior soften your boundaries by saying “just this once”? May be you do to it once every day.
• Do you let your child negotiate the limits through meltdowns?
• Do you often feel either guilty or resentful for your actions even before the day is over?
• Does your child argue the same boundary again and again because you were not firm about it in the past?

Just a small reminder that these questions do not pass any verdict on you. It is just a simple information to identify the problem to be solved. Pick one or two boundary that matters the most and be firm/consistent about it. Do not overwhelm your child by suddenly becoming firm about everything at once.

5 Ways to Set Boundaries with Empathy

Now, you know a lot about what you should not do during gentle parenting. It is time to know about what and how to do things in practice.

1. Lead with the limit, then the feeling. It is important that you communicate your limits clearly and openly first. For example, it is time to leave the park. If your child does not listen continue with warmth and understanding. Like “I know, it is hard to stop when you are having fun.” This will teach your child that he is understood but also make it clear that the decision is final.
2. Offer choices inside the boundary. Next comes giving him a choice, “Would you like to walk like dinosaur or hop to the car?”. Notice how the limit stays firm while letting him have some freedom of choice. This tactic gives a child sense of control which is often enough for him to stop resisting.
3. Keep your sentences short. Remember, how adults also do not like to listen when angry or upset. Therefore, always keep your sentences short and direct when a child is in middle of meltdown. Keep your tone calm and save longer conversation for later.
4. Follow through, calmly. This is the focal point of everything. If you say it’s time to go, then you must go. Stay calm but always follow through what you said initially. Do not confuse the calmness with giving in, as it teaches your child that boundaries are negotiable.
5. Reconnect afterward. Once the storm passes, hug, talk, and repair. This is the differentiating factor that separates gentle parenting from other parenting styles. It teaches a child that this is a safe space for their emotions and their struggles are seen.

Gentle Parenting in Real Life: Three Everyday Moments

Parenting style does not only matter during meltdowns and tantrums. Following are some daily routine moments through the lens of gentle parenting.

Bedtime struggle. You can simply state single sentence like “I can see you’re not ready for bed. It’s still bedtime. I’ll tuck you in, and then I’ll be back to check on you in five minutes.” Here you have highlighted their feeling, stated the limit along with offering the reassurance without leaving any space for further debates.

Screen time ending. “Two more minutes, then the tablet goes to sleep. Do you want to press the button, or shall I?” Here you mentioned a limit accompanied with a small choice. It gives your child sometime to process their next step instead of a sudden stop.

Hitting a sibling. “I won’t let you hit. You were really angry. Hitting hurts, so let’s stomp our feet instead.” Here you stopped them from doing one thing while offering a better alternative. All this is done while carefully acknowledging their emotions.

An important thing to note is that neither of the above dialogues is perfect and nor should be yours. You just need to hold the pattern firmly: acknowledge child’s emotions, hold the limit, and redirect their attention.

When I Slip (Because We All Do)

Let’s be honest: there are days when I miss the mark entirely. I either raise my voice or give in. I just feel too drained to hold the line. The reality is it happens with all of us.

What helps during such times is to know that repair matters as much as the actual moment. Simply admitting “I was loud earlier and I am sorry” teaches a child about owning your mistakes and mending it. This is gentle parenting at its core and it has nothing to do with being flawless.

Concluding Remarks

Gentle parenting was never about not doing certain things. On the contrary, it demands us to do two most difficult things simultaneously: acknowledging your child’s emotion and feelings while holding the line. This allows our children to feel everything while knowing their limits. In a long run, this practice also teaches a child to acknowledge others feelings.

So the next time you find your child bawling his eyes out on the kitchen floor, recall that it is possible to hold your child and limits simultaneously. Now, think about which boundary will you hold the upcoming week?